This is the letter I wrote to myself this morning. Happy Valentine’s Day to me! This is not a reflection of my partner. I got a text and a phone call. We will celebrate Valentine’s day tomorrow with dinner and concert tickets he planned weeks ago. He has given me flowers, cards and little surprises over the seven years that showed his love to me.
Over the years I have been shown images of love. Since I was a little girl I expected a prince to come and rescue me and solidify his love to me in the words that would transcend time. Today I have the words.
My Dear Self,
For years I have been waiting to receive a love letter. The type of letter that only poets drunk in love can write, and if we could squeeze it with our hands love blood would fill a cup.
I hoped for that” the one” who would write me a love poem, a song or that heart drenched letter that one sleeps with under the pillow all night so love would never skip a beat from our heart.
Today I gave up waiting and decided to write that love letter to you. After all, no one else could love you at the level of your lovability and then some.
You are my rock. You are my inspiration. You are the grace of the moon and the kindness of the sun. You are the essence of every flower. You are the wind that sustains the birds in flight. You are my ocean and the shallow rocky river that I marvel at first glance.
Over the years I learned to pretend that you didn’t matter that much to me. For years I forgot that I love you. It was not on purpose. I didn’t mean to abandon you. I confused love with attention as I noticed your thinning curly hair, the stretch lines of time on your body, your dragging breasts that confirmed our motherhood, the scars on your legs and elbows which described all the shades of a town-boy hidden in the skinny girl with big breasts.
I’m sorry, my darling. I was sorting our life through the eyes of the “incompletions” and used the ”not- enoughness” sentences to relate to you.
Please forgive me. I have retired my old ways, and I’m ready for us.
Could you be my eternal Valentine?
I can’t promise only wine and roses, but this time I am called to love you like an ocean: abundantly, unconditionally, and beautifully devoted to you.
I love you.
Now, take the time to write your own letter too.
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Thank you Ana Barrett !
“I was sorting life through the eyes of “not-enoughness”” That got me! Ana, this is so beautiful. I can so identify and today more than ever I want to say those beautiful words from me to me. Thank you for sharing this!