I’m having a cup of French press coffee at my favorite café in Hudson, NY, sharing my table with a few curious bees. I feel a flutter of discomfort at the thought of being stung. It reminds me of my daughter Erica’s first summer when she fearlessly caught a bee with her bare hands—the price she paid for exploring the unknown. I could retreat inside, but I chose to risk it with nature, enjoying the final weeks of summer in perfect 80-degree weather with 50% humidity. The delicate balance between potential pain (a sting) and pleasure (being outdoors) mirrors the rhythm of self-sabotage in our lives.
Do bees self-sabotage?
Would they purposely avoid the sweet pastry on my table to protect themselves from humans? Their presence suggests they don’t, but women do.
Women self-sabotage more often than we care to admit, and we do it unconsciously. We’re wired to seek happiness and avoid pain—it’s fundamental human behavior. Self-sabotage is our unconscious mind’s way of protecting us from being hurt, though in the process, it also blocks us from experiencing genuine happiness. But is it really protecting us? The answer is yes, but only temporarily.
Our innate desire for growth and true happiness never truly fades. Eventually, self-protection becomes too restrictive, too uncomfortable as a way of living. Yet we rarely recognize our behaviors as self-sabotage. Instead, we blame fate or others for our missed opportunities.
The evidence surrounds us: Being late for meetings. Keeping our opinions to ourselves. Not asking for the promotion while blaming the “bad boss.” Procrastinating on joining the gym. Indulging in the whole cake. Dressing inappropriately for an interview. “Forgetting” doctor’s appointments and ignoring late notices on bills. These are just a handful of the self-sabotaging behaviors we fall prey to.
Self-sabotage emerges precisely when we venture into something new, when we dare to explore beyond our comfort zone. The safety of our daily routines feeds the fear of pursuing our dreams. We want them desperately, but we’re afraid, most of the time, without even realizing it.
At the root of all self-sabotage lies one fundamental belief: unworthiness. Somewhere in our past, we absorbed the idea that we aren’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, professional enough, lucky enough, or “whatever enough” to chase our dreams.
Here are five powerful steps to awaken your desires, stop self-sabotaging behaviors, and move confidently toward your dreams:
1. Be honest about your self-sabotage
https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/1090128/146177995431741371/shareRecognizing what you don’t want helps clarify what you do want. If you’re avoiding taking action toward a goal—any action—it’s a form of self-sabotage. Name it. Own it. This awareness is the first step toward change. Take the Self-Sabotage Quiz.
2. Be willing to go deep
Being late for an important appointment can often be blamed on traffic if you live in Atlanta, New York, or Los Angeles. But was it really the traffic, or was it fear of making a big move or potential failure? When you excavate the hidden beliefs inherited from family and thoroughly examine them, you’ll discover that many thoughts you carry aren’t actually yours.
3. Trust your intuition
When you take time to discover the roots of your self-sabotage, insights become readily available. Women tend to dismiss their intuition because it doesn’t make sense. Here’s the truth: there is no logical explanation for intuition. The more you use it, the sharper it becomes—and that’s all you need to know.
4. Be kind to yourself
Anger, resentment, and disappointment often surface when we discover that feeling unworthy was our safety mechanism. Give yourself grace and love during this awakening. Healing requires compassion, especially toward yourself.
5. Do it one more time
Repetition is the mother of mastery. Women didn’t learn self-sabotaging behaviors overnight—these patterns built over weeks, months, and years. Doing the deep work, releasing limiting beliefs, and consistently interrupting patterns with new thoughts, feelings, and affirmations will strengthen the self-love muscle needed to end the destructive cycle of self-sabotage.
Remember, self-sabotage springs from the belief that we are not enough. Change your thoughts, and the right actions will naturally follow.
For additional support, order the book “Breaking Free from Self-Sabotage” and embark on your journey to success.
P.S. No stings today. Just sweet insights and the courage to grow.
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