The morning after Mother’s Day, I received this poignant message from one of my followers who wrote to me after listening to one of my talks, “Calling on the Wisdom of the Mother.” She wrote:
“Interesting. A new angle to think about. My mother died 30 years ago. I loved her even though she and my father were hard on us, and I earned one cuddle in my whole life. My mother had no ability to show any of us love. Nor did her’s. The war generations. However, I loved her still, and I was broken when she finally died. Later, I realized that I couldn’t drag up one happy memory, although I just did then, oddly enough. That was when they visited the project where I worked after university. Anyway, I am going to try harder to remember and find the good memories. They drank too much. Especially my mother. She was bored and trapped. They argued.
Meanwhile, I have my elder daughter, who doesn’t seem to accept me! So sad. And she has a baby now, too. It’s heartbreaking, and I want to fix it somehow, but Jane Doe is angry and has no good memories of her childhood. Just like me.
I got a few things wrong, so it seems. I didn’t know. I gave my girls freedom (like the thing I never had) and miscalculated all the rest. I was on my own after the first 12 years. My girls both got firsts at university, and I thought I’d done well until, at 24, my elder said what an awful mother I had been! The bottom fell out of my world.
16 years later, and now a grandma and the rift is worse. I have another daughter who occasionally challenges me, and then I feel hopeless, but we patch it and accept it because we meditate.
Is being a mother a thankless task? True or not? Our purpose is to protect our children and nurture them in every way. I tried but got it wrong. Tough one. Sad one.
I love my girls, and they probably both love me, but one is full of anger in her scientific head, and I do hope she can forgive the stuff that she is so cross and upset about and accept her disorganized mother who has managed through thick and thin to accept the world and be quite happy and honored to have come this far. Life eh!
Meditation has been the most useful tool in my life and will always be. I’m grateful for that. 🙏🏼🙏🏼❤️ Thank you”
Here is my message to this mother, other mothers, grandmothers, stepmothers, fostermothers, and mother figures who need to hear it:
Dear Friend, thank you for bravely sharing your vulnerability. As I read your words, three key things struck me that many mothers forget or aren’t aware of:
- Motherhood doesn’t come with an instruction manual. Our children are our teachers; then they become their own mothers. Here, we think that we must have all the answers when, in fact, motherhood is a tough school for growth and learning.
- Your daughters chose you to be their mother from a spirit level to learn and transcend whatever lessons they needed. Release any expectations you have for specific outcomes and trust that they will understand everything in their own time.
- Be at peace with what you call mistakes. You did the best you could based on the level of consciousness you had then. The more you fault yourself, the longer you perpetuate those difficult patterns for you and your children. It’s time to break the cycle of self-punishment so your family can have a fresh start.
I didn’t understand my mother until I was in my mid-40s and consistently meditating for 10+. I carried around buried resentment for years until I decided to write about the lessons she forgot to teach me. This was my way of blaming her for everything that was not to my expectations. Then, when compassion exploded in my heart, I learned that she had shared the lessons with her life all along, but I didn’t pay attention. Then I understood that I was one of her Motherhood teachers. As a result of that opening, my first book was born: “Women, Rice, and Beans”
So, I ask you to forgive yourself. You must forgive yourself so your children can have the space to forgive you and themselves for whatever they think you did and whatever they are creating by punishing you and themselves unconsciously.
I can sense some children who have been abused, neglected, abandoned, and even killed by their mothers feel that I am giving them an easy pass. But I am not the one who is releasing them, a Greater Consciousness is. It’s not my job, yours, or your children’s to condemn anyone. There is a higher understanding of everything that happens, and if we cannot make it clear, it’s probably outside our scope of understanding. Also, when people forgive, accept, and reframe their pain, they find a deep, meaningful purpose. It happens all the time. Although everyone has an eternity to grasp it, it doesn’t have to take that long.
Within this light, I ask you to forgive yourself so your children can have the space to forgive you for whatever they think you did. Can you forgive yourself?
Forgiveness starts with you. It doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do. Your children are still learning “how to be” from you, and you are still learning Motherhood from them. The better mother you become, the better they will be able to mother themselves. Plus, you are also your own mother. Ask yourself to be the mother anyone would like, the one who loves you unconditionally and would forgive herself.
This self-forgiveness doesn’t give anyone carte blanc to do whatever. Anyone with disregard for the consequences of their behavior is unable to forgive themselves. The truth of the heart and the intentions have to be congruent. For example, a mother who belittles her children every time they visit for the holidays cannot discount themselves with “Forgive me, I can’t help myself!” The simple acknowledgment that the behavior is not the loving thing to do shows a higher level of consciousness they choose to ignore.
Here is a practice to help heal the relationship.
Begin with your regular meditation practice. At the end of each meditation, envision your children in a circle of love light coming from your heart. Make it bright and vivid. Feel the love you feel for them, the original love, and let the light do what is needed. Perhaps the light needs to heal some aspects of your personality and improve patience, acceptance, and love.
Your intention for this practice l is not to change them or how they feel but to allow them to feel your motherly love.
There is an important prerequisite for this to work. First, you must forgive yourself thoroughly. You don’t want guilt or resentment to tint the light you send to your children. Do this practice daily until you can fully detach from the outcome and watch the relationship improve.
That’s the life of a mother. You signed up for this role happily, and you didn’t expect a thank-you note. It would be lovely to get them but know that your assignment is not over yet. Many mothers will not see the recognition until they are gone. That is part of the commitment to motherhood, true altruism.
In case some gratitude has not yet come your way… To all Thankless Mothers, Grandmothers, Stepmothers, Foster Mothers, and Mother figures out there, Thank You. You do amazing things for the world. The Universe knows.
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